Understanding Parental Substance Abuse: It's Not Your Fault

Your mom's drug and alcohol problems are much deeper than her not wanting children. Her problems arose from something that happened much earlier than when she found out she was pregnant. Substances were likely used as a coping mechanism for underlying issues that preceded the pregnancy.

Adults vs. Adolescents

Children don't understand the struggles and complexities of adults. As you try to understand your situation, remember that many adults still behave like adolescents because they are still dealing with the insecurities and personality traits that were formed during their childhood, teenage years, and early 20s. Many of us never fully grow out of these traits.

One day, as an adolescent, you suddenly become an adult and are expected to start acting like one. This shift often occurs in your late 20s to early 30s when your family and employers no longer tolerate immature behavior. It can be a shocking transition because you've been living as you always have and now must adapt to new expectations.

Personal Insights from a Husband

My husband once admitted in counseling with his daughter that he loves his daughters but regrets ever having them. His reasoning is partly selfish, as having children in an overpopulated world seems unfair to an innocent participant. Additionally, it's not fair to bring an unwilling party, like a baby, into a forced and unhealthy teenage marriage due to an accidental pregnancy.

His daughter has repeatedly used this statement against him, but it does not mean that he doesn't love his children or take pride in their existence. Her insecurities and victim mentality are rooted in past experiences, particularly her relationship with her mother. She believes she is not good enough or loved, despite his efforts to explain that he has unconditional love for her.

Rest of the Family

Another cousin, who is a recovering heroin addict, lost a child and used pills to cope with the pain. When the pills stopped working, she turned to heroin. She had a stillborn birth to her second daughter, which further emphasized the importance of being a non-addict mother.

My friend, who was date-raped in college, chose to raise her child instead of terminating or placing the child for adoption. Despite the trauma and pain, she did not resort to drug abuse or blame the child. She believed in the child's worth and raised him with love and care, despite the circumstances.

Love and Parenting

It's rare to find a parent who genuinely hates their child. Even if they don't like their children or treat them poorly, they still love them, often deeply. Parenting is a responsibility and a privilege, and blaming a child for "ruining your life" or causing addiction is a sign of immaturity and selfishness. Such parents should not be considered fit to be parents.

You are not responsible for or to blame for your parent's substance abuse problems. These issues are rooted in their own past experiences and insecurities, not your actions or existence. It's not your responsibility to fix or change their behavior.

Instead of focusing on blame, try to understand that your parent's actions are a result of their own struggles and that they may not have the emotional intelligence or motivation to address their problems. If you feel strongly that you are to blame, feel free to reach out and discuss it further.

Remember, you are not responsible for or to blame for your parent's substance abuse problem. It is crucial to recognize that it is not your fault and to not accept responsibility for something you cannot control.